Step Up

Unless you have been living under a rock and avoiding social media for the past two weeks, you have by now heard of #ForeverDuncan. It’s the story of a man, Alfred, who proposed to his girlfriend, Sherrelle, over brunch. Six hours later he surprised her with a wedding complete with a dress she unknowingly designed herself and her daddy to walk her down the aisle.

Their hashtag is still all over Instagram, Twitter, YouTube and Facebook and while most people have celebrated them and their love, others have been negative. Many men are complaining that Alfred set the bar too high and he addressed this in one of his follow up videos. He said that he did what he did, the way he did, because he wanted to make his now wife happy. He wanted to do what pleased her. He also made it a point to mention that while men need to step up and treat their women better, women needed to step as well.

I have addressed this topic in one of my past videos as well. Too many women think they are ready for marriage when really they are just ready to have someone to call their own. And others think they are ready to be someone’s wife because of the length of time they have been with someone. But it is never that simple.

You have to prepare to be someone spouse, if that’s what you really want. Prepare yourself to put someone’s feelings before your own. Prepare to actually listen and absorb what they have to say. Understand that your relationship with that person will come before every other relationship in your life, with the exception of your relationship with God.

As women, we do have to step up if we want that #ForeverDuncan type of love. And I don’t mean the exact specifications of their romance, engagement, and marriage. What I saw when I watched the videos, was the immense joy on both of their faces whenever they looked at each other. I saw the raw emotion and I could see God moving and touching them and everyone that bared witness to their union.

Knowing that God has brought you this man or woman that you have been waiting for is enough to make you praise and shout His name. But God never moves when we want him to, and it’s for the best. If God granted us the husband or wife we think we want when we think we’re ready, this world would have a much higher divorce rate.

Step up and work on yourself before you fix your mouth to say you’re ready to be a husband or wife.

The Latest Anniversary

Last year, one of my most popular video blogs on Mom of Two Wife of One was about my two year anniversary. I discussed some of the things I had learned about marriage and about myself during that time and it was one of my most personal vlogs to date.

My three year anniversary was last week and while I did not do another video I did have a revelation.

Each year for our anniversary, or for any special occasions, I think about these lavish and romantic and somewhat inexpensive ways for us to celebrate. If I had my way, for our anniversary we would have dropped the babies off somewhere for the weekend and traveled a couple hours South. I researched a nice hotel that offered a casino for him and shopping for me during the day and a couples massage and romantic dinner at night for both of us. Our nights were going to be filled with some sexy alone time where we could let our inhibitions disappear and not have to worry about waking up one of the babies.

I had it ALL planned out and was so intent on finding a way to make it happen. Needless to say, life intervened. My unemployment funds ran out in August and without that extra money, all of our resources had to go to monthly bills, food, and Back to School shopping. The day of our anniversary, I went to Back to School Night at our son’s school while my hubby went bowling with his league so we didn’t even see a lot of each other that day.

I was not as disappointed as I originally thought I would be. Have you ever given advice to someone, only to have those words thrown back in your face when the shoe is on the other foot? I had one of those moments.

In one of my vlogs, I talked about the importance of valuing the marriage over the wedding. Many brides dedicate more time to making their wedding this colossal event with the right napkins, food, music, etc. but do not put the same effort towards their marriage. I told my audience to remember that the wedding is just one day but that marriage is meant to last a lifetime. Have your priorities in order and put energy towards what really matters.

My wedding anniversary is just one day of hopefully thousands of days that my husband and I will spend together. It signifies the day we stood before God and declared that we would spend the rest of our lives loving each other and making each other happy. I realized that it is more important to me that he and I have a steady date night where we get the chance to focus on our marriage. This is the chance when we get to take off our “mommy” and “daddy” hats and just be husband and wife. Whether this time is for a few hours or overnight, it is important to both of us that we make time for each other.

So on my anniversary, there was no romantic dinner. There were no flowers, cards, or balloons. There was no sexy alone time with my husband. But the bills were paid, we have food in the fridge, and in a couple weeks we’ll have a date night just the two of us. And that’s enough reason to celebrate.

Ladies, We Need Each Other

Have you ever heard this before: “Women are so catty. That’s why I don’t have any of them as friends. You can’t trust them.”

I remember hearing this from several girls when I was still in high school but I never had that problem. In hindsight, in high school no one really knows how to be a good friend. We’re all still obsessed with ourselves and our own lives and don’t know how to truly be vulnerable and loving to people we call “friends.”

I have a cousin who still follows this line of thought at the age of 34 and admitted that I am her only friend. At first, it saddened me but now it just frustrates me. She has had some bad experiences with women in the past but these were women she met in high school and in her 20s. I explained to her that finding friendship as a woman in your 30s is a totally different ballgame.

Women in their 30s are solid in their careers or have their own businesses. They are most likely married or have children. They don’t have time to play games. They don’t have time for pettiness. They have been burned and have learned how to spot those women that are only meant to be a waste of their time.

I think women that have the mentality that other women are catty and can’t be friends, are the types of women that hold on to the past. At some point, you have to let it go. Getting hurt is part of growing up and part of learning. It sucks when you’re in the midst of it, but at some point you move on and learn from the experience.

Having female friendships is crucial for any woman and I hate that my cousin has closed herself to that joy. She doesn’t go out and giggle over wine. She doesn’t swap funny stories about her children. She doesn’t go on Girlfriend’s Getaways to take a break from being a wife and mommy. She is in a position where she could make some amazing friendships but she refuses to make the effort and instead waits for people to come to her.

All relationships, not just friendships, involve a lot of give and take and if you are not up for the task, get used to being alone.

 

Your Life Partner

When people are set to get married, they can sometimes get too consumed with the traditional “roles” set forth for a husband and a wife. A wife should do all the cooking and the cleaning and mind the children. The husband should come home every night and pay all of the bills. The wife should never complain for fear of bringing unnecessary strain on her husband. Blah blah blah.

These rules were put in place long ago when women were forbidden or discouraged to seek work outside of the home. Times have changed and will continue to change with each new generation of married couples. While these specific practices may be outdated, the message behind it is for each person in a relationship to do what they can to make life easier for their spouse.

In my house, I am a full-time stay at home and my husband works outside of the home. Because I am home or near home all day, I take on the responsibilities of cooking and cleaning. This was not something he and I decided on based on my gender. It’s what makes the most sense because I am physically in or near the house everyday, while he works 10-12 hours a day almost seven days a week.

Our philosophy is: Figure out what needs to be done, and get it done. It’s not as important who does what. We have the same end goal in mind and that’s to make sure the bills are paid, the children are fed and happy, and our house isn’t falling apart. It’s about having each other’s back and making sure no one person is taking on the bulk of the work.

Running a household, especially one with young children, is not for the faint of heart but it helps to have partner to help you keep things in order.

Date Night

I believe strongly that you need to date your spouse, long after the ink has dried on your marriage certificate. Contrary to what some naysayers may think, romance does not end once you put a ring on it. Romance can sustain the longest of relationships but it requires work.

Date night is one of the ways to keep things fresh and exciting. Remember when you started dating someone you really liked? You couldn’t wait to talk to them and you got butterflies in your stomach whenever you saw them. Going out was an event. You wore your best clothes, added a dab of perfume, and was out the door ready to have an adventure with the one you love.

Now you’re married. The person you once got so excited to see now lies beside you every night. Your energy is focused more on figuring out your role in your marriage and the idea of romance may seem secondary. And then, the kids come. Now your attention is divided between being an awesome parent, friend, spouse and overall person.

The key to maintaining that romance, or at least one of the keys, is to establish a date night. How often you have a date night will differ based off of you and your spouse’s schedules. But make it a priority!

We all get swamped with the highs and lows of life and it is all too easy to allow life’s occurrences to consume us. Scheduling and maintaining a date night forces you to put everything on hold for a minute or two and just be with the person you love. Especially when you have children, going out with your spouse is your chance to take a break from being “mommy” or “daddy.” As fulfilling as it is to be a parent, children will wear you out and a break is essential to keeping your sanity.

Take the time to visit a new restaurant. Go to the movies or to see a live play. Take in a concert or visit a comedy club. Or you can stay in, snuggle on the sofa and watch reruns all day. Celebrate your relationship whenever you get the chance. Never allow outside influences to stop you from spending that quality time with the one you love.